SALT LAKE CITY – The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints made an unprecedented announcement in a small press conference prior to the opening session of General Conference on Saturday.
“After much consideration and debate, the Church has decided to phase out singles wards entirely, with all members attending traditional congregations,” announced Jon S. Young, former LDS single and current head of the Latter-day Saint Marriage and Matchmaking department of the Church. “The brethren have unanimously agreed that it was time to stop making our bishops play matchmaker, and for the Church to officially retract President Brigham Young’s ‘menace to society’ statement.”
The brief meeting took place with a small group of local, and national reporters as well as Stake Young Single Adult representatives in what will go down as a historic day in LDS church history. The YSA reps promptly took to their personal electronic devices to start spreading the word through their social media accounts.
Brother Young continued saying, “My great-great-grandfather Brigham made the ‘menace’ statement well before the days of important goals like high-paying summer sales jobs and binge-watching The Bachelor. The church is speedily moving into the twenty-first century, and this is part of that change. We are going to let singles take life at their own pace.”
The popular statement by Brigham Young was not part of official Church doctrine but had made the rounds through Mormon myth websites and even into several YSA ward Sunday School lessons. The phrase was used by both grandmothers and mothers alike in an effort to persuade their male offspring to get serious about finding their eternal companions.
The church will begin to transition hundreds of thousands of LDS singles around the world into corresponding family wards and branches. In areas with heavy single member populations like Provo, Utah, and Southern California, families with three children or more will be assigned to attend singles “clusters” in an effort to excite the unmarried Latter-day Saints to start their own families, but forever ending quiet sacrament meetings.
“We will be rolling out several additional changes in an effort to help singles continue to interact with one another once their singles ward has been closed down. This includes Munch and Mingles hosted by the Primary with leftover nursery treats and new church callings, including a Ward Matchmaker and Family Home Evening Singles Ringleaders.”
The millennial love for social media has also been considered. Brother Young continued, “In addition, the Church IT department has developed a Tinder-style app called “Choose The Right(eous)”, which allows singles to “swipe right” on their interested matches. The app will seamlessly be integrated into the LDS Tools app.”
In areas where awkward or uncomfortable dating experiences have taken place, the Church will allow both males and females to request an emergency transfer, in which case they will be relocated to a neighboring ward or branch unit. Transfers must be approved by both the Bishop and the ward matchmaker after a council with both parties. In addition, the Church is doing away with the term “mid-singles” in an effort to provide more intermingling, regardless of age.
“We are confident this change will better accommodate the busy lives of LDS singles around the world and help them feel less pressure to tie the knot,” Brother Young continued to the small awestruck group of media and singles.
The transition process will start in the United States immediately and is expected to roll out to the rest of the world in the coming months. Individuals with questions or concerns are encouraged to take them to their Family Home Evening Moms and Dads.