Wednesday, June 29, 2022
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A Deacon caught playing Clash of Clans during a quorum meeting.

LDS Church to Disable WiFi in Meetinghouses

SALT LAKE CITY – On the heels of historic changes, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints made yet another groundbreaking announcement Sunday morning. Brother William Fenses, the director of the church Information Technology Department, held a short meeting with media members and church leaders announcing that the church is limiting wireless internet in church meetinghouses.

“It has come to the point where we need to change our wireless internet policy due to the excessive usage of smartphones during church meetings and activities. Although we have tremendous respect for our pioneer heritage, the ‘Pioneer47’ password will no longer be functional on church WiFi. The new wireless password will only be given to members of the bishopric.”

The church has noted a decline in participation in meetings among church membership, especially among those ranging between the ages of 15 and 25 years old.

A flock of children play on their $800 iPhones during Primary Activity Days.

“Any youth instructor will tell you that Snapchat, selfies, and Instagram stories have become a tremendous distraction in their group instructions, and we need to put an end to it. Brother Fenses stated. “We have heard the excuse, ‘I’m reading my scriptures,’ from everyone, including grandmas addicted to stalking their sons-in-law and next door neighbors via social media. It just has to stop.”

The church has offered wireless internet access to its members for years now, initially stemming from a desire to improve instruction using connected media sources. Many of these resources have been created by the church; they include audio clips, a digital picture library, and selected video clips from General Conference sessions.

“When used responsibly, these resources have been a tremendous asset to our instructors. Due to prolonged misuse of church WiFi, we realized that the best wireless signals come from the Holy Ghost.”

“The best wireless
signals come from
the Holy Ghost.”

The church will revert to older resources that were recently removed from meetinghouse libraries such as large picture posters, film strips, typewriters, and, you guessed it, physical copies of the scriptures.

“We want people to gather true jewels of knowledge in church meetings, not fake digital jewels. The women of the Relief Society should be sharing the gospel, not memes and GIFs. Youth should be commenting in class discussions, not on their friends’ selfies. Elders should be attacking the fiery darts of the adversary, not other Clash clans. We believe all this will be resolved with a simple update of the WiFi password.”

The church anticipates more real life connections will be made with others, as well as with the Man Upstairs, which ironically, is made via a wireless connection.

Members with additional questions are being counseled to speak with their local leaders.

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