He was my last chance.
The moment I felt the gigantic butterflies emerging from their long hibernation, I prayed.
If this isn’t it, I think it’s over for me, I prayed. I don’t think I can go through hope again, through rejection again.
It was the emotional plea of a mid-single adult who has faced plenty of romantic disappointments. In that moment, it truly felt like this burgeoning friendship was my last chance of ever being loved in that way. Years later, it seems it might have been. One never knows, delicately balancing hope and promises with reality.
Regardless, that prayer has led to others and some deep searching of what God’s plan for me is and what role certain sufferings have in my life. One of the most complex and human questions has been, “Did God call me to be unlovable?”
At first read you may scoff and say, “Of course not!” But for me, it doesn’t feel that simple. It’s not that I’m unworthy of love or that I don’t deserve love. It’s just that everything in my life seems to point to the idea, on some fundamental level, that I am not meant to experience the grand depth of male-female relationships.
Let me explain.
My father passed away when I was young and was often gone for years at a time on military tours. Based on early memories, there is a sense that I was overly concerned as a child about my father’s mood and feelings. My step-father was abusive and passed away nine months into my mission. A few years later, my paternal grandfather, one of the only good men in my life who I’d recently grown very close to, unexpectedly drowned after being caught in a riptide off the coast of Florida.
Combine that trauma with a lack of dating experience and you’ve got a recipe for one pretty doubtful person when it comes to family security and love. It’s hard not to look at what is the seeming reality of my life and ask these questions.
Maybe God’s plan for me is all about what I do when I don’t get that kind of love. Maybe God’s called me to be alone. Maybe God’s called me to be a creature that isn’t cherished the way they should be.
And I get it. I know that these feelings come from a place of trauma and often act as a coping mechanism for being lonely. Sometimes it is easier to rest in God’s love than others. But I also don’t think I’m the only one who has experienced thoughts like this. What happens when we’re not only facing our worst fears, but it seems like they were always meant to happen?
I don’t have all the answers. Many of my darkest feelings still creep up in my mind and they’re hard to push out, even with gospel light. However, I’ve found one thought in particular has been helpful and, of course, it’s centered on Jesus Christ.
I want to love Jesus Christ more. In so many ways, living His gospel is about building a relationship with Him. Sure, I read the scriptures, attend church, serve in my callings, and do all of those things. Why does sitting with my friends eating dinner feel different? Is there a way to close the gap between truly spending time with Christ and the actions I do every day?
For me, the answer has been yes! The tenor of my prayers have changed. I talk more about my fears for the day in my morning prayers. I vent more about how the day went in my evening prayers. When I sit in the temple, I imagine the Savior just sitting with me as if we were on a trip together. I use so many things to fill up my soul and address my pain, from food and technology to other relationships and fantasies.
I want to crave time with Jesus and love Him more deeply. I want to be excited about Him. It isn’t realistic to always feel this I think, just as with any relationship. But as the Psalmist says, I want my heart to pant after the Lord the way a deer pants after water.
I don’t know what your life looks like, but I know it may be time to strip everything away and just focus on loving what it means to be connected to Jesus Christ. Ultimately, whatever happens in this life, I know it is my calling to be loved by Him.
Aleah is a graduate of Southern Virginia University, where she studied English, Creative Writing, and Dance. She now works full time as a marketing and product manager, writer, and editor. She currently hosts the podcast “Single to the Glory” about singlehood in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Aleah served a mission in California and loves baking, Lang Leav poetry, Gaynor Minden pointe shoes, and Bollywood movies.
